Learning to Love

I realized something today.

Most days, I love other people way more than I love myself.
Scratch that, it happens every day.

I guess that just says a lot about my personality.
I love people, I'd do anything for my friends and family, and I'd much rather spend my time making sure others are happy then making sure I'm happy.
I'm empathetic to the extreme.
They should make a show about me.

Or not.
That show would suck.

On the other hand, love is such a complicated thing.
And on the other other hand (is that a foot?), I'm a complicated person.
Therefore two hands, a foot, a complicated brain and a broken heart make for a situation that's just plain absurd.
Welcome to my life.



The Perks of Being a Wallflower gets me.

I'm learning.
I fall a lot.
I have good days, and I have bad ones.
I'm really good at faking it til I make it.
And really, I'm just a big ol' basket case.
All I can really do is just tackle every day with a new found passion for whatever the day has to offer me.
Right?
Right.

As the summer approaches and school comes to an end, I'm looking forward to a few months full of adventure and finding myself. This town is a whole different place from mid May to mid August, and I love it. But that gives me a chance to be a whole different person, and I love that idea.

Love, love, love...
It's a big word.
But I'm a big girl.
I really think that eventually, I can learn to love me.

The C Words

There are two "C" words I think are pretty crucial in our language and our understanding of life.

The first one is change.

I don't deal with change very well.
I like when things are set, orderly and going the way I like them.

I think the biggest changes in life right now are coming from the workplace.
I know that sounds weird, but bear with me.

The people that I work with are like my family.
We're all very close, and we care for and love each other very much.

But there's a pretty high turnover rate as well.
Which means people are flip-flopping jobs and leaving at a pretty steady pace.
One of my dear friends just got another job in the department, so she's not leaving per say, but she won't be right up front with me anymore and she'll be a whole lot more busy than she is now. Needless to say, I'm having a hard time adjusting to that and accepting that thought.

She's a pretty solid rock in my life, and I'm acting like she's leaving and never coming back.
Stupid, I know.
But I think the root is somewhere deeper.

The second "c" word I'm talking about is control.

I feel like I'm losing control.
Not that I ever had control to begin with.

We all struggle with wanting control over certain aspects of our lives, and more often than not, our whole lives.

The reality is simple.

We don't have control. 
I don't have control. 

We can't get a grasp on that.
We don't want to face that reality, and we sure as heck don't want to put our trust in something we can't see. I know I don't.

It's something that society has ingrained in our minds, something that's taught to us throughout our lives.
Why trust someone else when you can do it yourself?

I've been learning lately, that we're asking the wrong question.
We should be asking, " Why not trust someone else?"
Because we can't trust ourselves.

We have a hard time grasping that concept, and I am certainly guilty of disregarding the latter question.
And the most important thing to remember when we're struggling for control is that you're not the one in charge. It's not your plan, so you need not worry.

I'm not saying you sit back and do nothing about your situations.
You have to take a role in it too.
Everything is set up for you, waiting for you to reach out and take it.
You just have to jump in and do your part.

Don't be afraid of the "c" words.
They can be both a beautiful and a scary thing.
It just depends on how you approach them.

It's not easy, and it's not always fun.
But it's worth it.

Do what it takes to remind yourself.
I have a constant reminder for myself.
Tattooed on my foot is the verse Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans not to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

And what grand plans they are.

Love always,
Suz

Memories

It's always good to come home and see people you haven't seen in forever, spend time with them and reminisce about the stupid things you did in high school, and over the last few years.

Like "Hey Whitney, remember when we drank absurd amounts of Mountain Dew at Taco Bell, drove to the nearest stoplight and then did a Chinese fire drill?"

Or "Krystal, remember when we used flag banners as bikini's when we were supposed to decorating for Girls State?"

Things like that make me miss having my best friend around all the time.
They make me miss the people that I've grown to love, and makes me miss this little town.
They make me wish I was just a little closer sometimes.
And that we could always bake cookies and have sleepovers, even when we're 20.

The last few days I've seen people I graduated with, old teachers and family friends.
I've gotten to spend time with people that I love, that I only get to see about twice a year, and have loved every minute of it.

Although the original circumstance wasn't the greatest, we've all made the most of it and we've celebrated and made the most of this short time we have together.

And that's made me realize something very important.

It's made me realize that I have such a good life.
A life full of people that love me, and that I love back.
A life where I can always call on my friends, new and old.
And a life where I am blessed to have so many good memories with those friends.

Some people look at their high school year books and want to forget all the things that are on those pages.
Some want to relive every moment.
Then there's me, who looks at them and thinks "I loved high school, I learned a lot, I'd do a few things over, I'd never go back, but I am thankful for every second of it."

God gave us this one life.
He gave us the capacity to love people, and to make more memories than we'll ever remember.

So remember all the things that have made you who you are, and the things that have determined who your friends will be for the rest of your life.

Hold on as long as you can,because all too soon we'll start to forget.

Love always,

Suz

On Valentine's Day

Once again, it's the day where everybody gives absurd amounts of flowers, chocolates and teddy bears.
Hallmark shoves mushy gushy cards down our throats and couples wave their oh so perfect relationships in our faces.

Do I sound bitter?
Sorry.

In all reality, I don't hate Valentine's Day.
It's just not my most favorite holiday out there.
I much prefer Easter or the 4th of July.
Cute little bunnies, chocolate eggs, explosives and 'MERICA. Who doesn't love that?

And I'm sure there are lots of people who feel the same way.
We just don't hear things from them.

All I ever seem to get is...
"OMG I love this day! I'm so in love. I love my man so much. LOVE LOVE LOVE."
That's all fine and dandy, but shut up.
Ok, I'm done being mean now.

My views on Valentine's Day stem from somewhere else.

My parents never really celebrate the day, and it always seems like cards from one to the other are usually obligatory and not super heart felt. That never gave me a very positive look on things.

I've also never had a real Valentine.
And all the cutesy cards and candy you got when you were in elementary school doesn't count.
I thought I was going to have a Valentine this year, but that fell through.
So here I am!
Join me in my singledom.

Lastly, I don't think Valentine's Day was ever meant to be specifically for couples.
It's a celebration of love, whether that be for a couple, from parent to child or from friend to friend.
Unfortunately, that's gotten all messed up and the focus does in fact get put on couples.
So there's that.

I suppose I'll be done ranting about VD now.

I'll leave you with something positive...

I had a friend post today about how you should love even if you don't have a Valentine on Valentine's Day.
Someone else said you should show those you love love every day, not just on one specific day of the year (which is true).

There's a whole lot of hate in this world, and we hardly ever see or hear about acts of love and kindness.
So I challenge you on this holiday to show a little love.
Extend a helping hand, give someone random a Valentine, do whatever it is that you need to do to let people know you care.

It's a day of love, let's celebrate.

Love always,
Suz

Surprises

Today was just one big surprise.

I left at 6 a.m. from Mosocw, headed for home, not quite sure what to expect on my long drive.

My list of surprises goes as follows:

At 6:28 (MST) I crested Lewiston Hill and witnessed one of the most beautiful sunrises I've ever seen.
I didn't expect to get to see it, because it was so cloudy.
But just as I got to the top of the hill, at the point where you can see for miles and miles around you, it happened. The sun broke through every single cloud in the sky, and the colors flooded the dark hills and brought them to life.
And it was a wonderful way to start the morning.

The next surprise wasn't really a surprise.
Or pleasant.
Coming down off the hill, I caught a whiff of what smelled like the biggest batch of the most German-like sauerkraut you'll ever smell in your life.
It wasn't a surprise, because Lewiston always smells like that.
And it wasn't pleasant, because I don't like sauerkraut.

I was surprised that the roads were completely clear.
I half expected them to be covered in snow in most places, making it a treacherous drive.
I was extremely thankful that the prayer I'd prayed this morning for dry roads had been answered.

Something that continually surprises me, is the absolute beauty of the state I live in.
I've made the drive south more times than I can count, but it never fails to take my breath away when I come around the corner at the very tip top of White Bird Hill.

I don't usually stop, but this time I did.
I've never been so happy to get out of my warm car, and stand on the tip of a cold mountain and experience all of God's glory and creation as I was today.

But the greatest surprise of the day came at the end of my journey, when I finally got home.
You see, I didn't tell my parents I was making the trip down here.

I arrived at the church where my parents were setting up for Scouts, and my dad almost didn't even say hello, even though I pulled the car right up next to him, and made eye contact with him. He did a double take and then realized that it was me standing there, hugged me and very promptly told me to kick my brother's butt when I got home.

I walked inside to find my mom in one of the Sunday School rooms, and she peeked out from behind the doorway she was standing in. She looked at me, looked away, looked back at me and stared at me for a solid 25 seconds before realizing I was standing there, in the flesh. She dropped everything she had, hugged me longer than I think she's ever hugged me before, and cried a few tears of joy.

A surprise that was caused by me, was by far my favorite one of the day.

Surprises come in all shapes and sizes.
Some are more enjoyable than others,
All are gifts from God, and things that will ultimately help us understand this life better.
But we should always remember to look forward to them, because if anything, they make our lives more exciting.

Love always,
Suz

Recklessness

Reckless: adj. 

1. utterly unconcerned about about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless. 

You know the word, and it's not usually used as a positive adjective. 

If you're said to be reckless, it more often than not means that you've done something stupid and didn't think about how it would affect other things in the future. 

But I've got a different spin on recklessness. 

And it's a good one. 

Last night, I learned of a new type of recklessness. A kind that still requires you to take risks not really knowing what the outcome will be, but instead of doing something stupid (like blogging instead of doing your homework), you're doing something that will (hopefully) result in something grand, and ultimately your glorification of God. 

Each and every one of us is blessed with a talent. Multiple talents, if we're lucky. 

Our whole lives we've been told to use those talents to do good things. To help people, to have fun, etc. 

That is no more true then than it is now. 

So you'd think it would be easy to use those talents, or those things we've been blessed with as freely as we breathe. But that's not the case. 

We're scared. 

We're afraid. 

We're cautious. 

Lucy, from the great C.S. Lewis's tale The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, asks of Aslan (who is portrayed as the God figure in the story, "Is He quite safe?" 

The response she gets is clear. 

"No. He's not safe at all. But he's good." 

No one ever said God was a safe route to take. 

No one said putting yourself out there and taking chances would be natural. 

It was never indicated that it would be easy, or that it would always be enjoyable. 

But it is good. 

And because of that, we're asked to be reckless with our talents, with our time, and with our hearts. 

We are asked to give up the safety and security of whatever it is that we're holding on to, and use it for the glory of God! 

I know that I don't use my time wisely. 

I don't invest in certain relationships, even though it's been made very clear to me that that's what needs to be done. And I definitely don't always want to surrender everything I have when I know so little about the future and what it holds. 

We all have the tendency to hold back. 

To be cautious. 

We've been taught our whole lives to ensure our security in a multitude of different things. 

But it's time we changed that. 

Take the leap. 

Recklessly abandoned the old you. 

Recklessly embrace the new you. 

Love always, 

Suz

iWrite

I wrote a poem.
Enjoy.

Go 
There on her wrist
etched in her skin
is a sailboat.
Motionless,
simple,
anchored.
Something is keeping it docked.
Something is keeping the wind from blowing,
from taking a hold of the sails
and embarking on a long
anticipated adventure.

There on her foot
etched in her skin
is a bird.
Fleeting,
wild,
free.
Something is keeping it from landing.
Something is keeping it scared in the sky,
from settling down
and embarking on a long
anticipated adventure.

There on her heart
etched in her soul
is a word.
Daunting,
calling,
loud.
Something is keeping it there.
Something is keeping it from the feet,
from the hands, the eyes and the mind
and embarking on a long
anticipated adventure.

Go.

Speak Simply

The American language is complicated.
I've always kind of known this, but it wasn't until yesterday in one of my classes that I realized...
English is really screwed up.

For example: We all know that there are different gender-oriented people and they all have labels and/or names. Lesbian, gay, homosexual, transgender, etc.
Over the years, we've invented these different words to cater to the wants of different people and their sexual orientations. And that's completely ok.
But what gets me, is that now there's a few new words.
Ze and hir.
Ze, is in place of he/she, and hir is in place of him/her.

Can you use it in a sentence?
Ze looked really fine today, I really wish I could talk to hir.
If someone is a girl, I'm going to say she/her.
If someone is a guy, I'm going to say he/him.
Simple as that.
Not because I want to hurt the feelings of those who don't identify with either gender or be politically incorrect, but because I don't feel there's a necessity to complicate things anymore than they already are.

What doesn't make sense to me, is that our language is already so messed up that I don't feel the need to continue adding bullshit words (excuse my language) to further confuse people. I honestly feel bad for other people that come to our country and have to learn English, because it is so hard. I would much rather stick to Spanish for the rest of my life, because at least it makes sense.

End rant.

With all that being said, I think that we all to often aid in the confusion of our language.
Granted, we all have different accents, meanings for words, and things are just different depending on which part of the country you're from.
But in a world of complicated things, why can't we just make one more of them simple?

I love writing, and I really enjoy being eloquent.
But that doesn't mean I need to jumble everything, use enormous words and confuse the heck out of people.

So speak simply.
You never know who is listening, or who is learning from you.

Love always,
Suz

Life is Short

Colton and I were never very close.
Although I'd known him since kindergarten, we were never best friends and we didn't really hang out with the same people.
But something that Colton and I had in common was that we both loved people.
He especially loved making people laugh. If I remember correctly, he was even nominated as our class clown.
He always had a smile on his face,wanted to be everyone's friend, never once cared what people thought, was constantly trying to make you laugh and definitely marched to the beat of his own drum.
We graduated as a class with only 92 kids in 2010, and we were all very close and have continued to be close over the last 3 years.

This morning, Colton passed away from liver cancer.

Our little town, the class of 2010, and his family are now short one amazing person. And we're mourning.

I think it's always hard to understand why God decides to take those people away from us that mean so much. We never quite get how it plays into the grand scheme of things. We get mad, we cry and wish things could be different. But they can't.

And that makes us realize that life is short.
Although we've heard that saying a hundred times, we never find it to be more true than when it hits so close to home.

So we have to take the bad, and look at the good.

I can't sit here and give anyone an answer as to why Colton had to go.
My only reasoning is that God needed someone else to make him laugh in Heaven.
And as much as it hurts now, and as much as we hate crying about it, I know that there is a greater plan that we could never even begin to fathom. And we have to understand that every little thing that happens is just part of that plan, whether it be good or bad.

With life being the way it is, we need to live like Colton lived.
Happy, friendly, giving.
This world is too full of the exact opposite of those things. And now that we have one less person exhibiting the positive traits, we have to make up for it.

So live life happy.
Be so happy that your happiness is infectious to others.

Be the greatest friend of all.
Be willing to sacrifice yourself and your time for the good of your friends.

And be giving.
You can never give enough.
Your heart, and your capacity to love are greater than you think, so don't be afraid to give it all away.

Colton, we love you and we miss you and your smile.
We will never forget your kindness and generosity for your friends and family.
We aspire to live like you.

Live is too short to not live it to the fullest.

Love always,
Suz

Listen, Be Still

I've always thought that I'm a good listener.

That is, until recently.

I love sitting down with people and hearing about their lives, letting them vent to me about their problems, maybe giving a little advice here and there.
So that is clearly not the problem.

The real problem, is I listen to everyone around me, and I don't listen to the one person who matters.

Yes, you all know who I'm talking about.

Sometimes it's hard to want to listen to the one and only person who really knows what you're doing with your life. The one who knows what's best, who can comfort you and tell you exactly what to do in any given situation.
Because we're stubborn.
I'M stubborn.
We all think we know what's best.
We stick with our "gut feelings" and believe me, that "feeling" has gotten me into trouble one too many times.

We think that the voice that whispers those "great" ideas into our minds is always right, when most of the time it's our own voice trying to justify our stupid decisions.

It wasn't until about a week ago that I realized how horrible I ACTUALLY am at listening.
With a new relationship being a possibility in my life, school, work and everything else I had going on, I had to shut the crazy out and let the quiet in.
And that's not an easy thing for me to do, because I like the busy.
I like the noise, the people, the whatever-I-can-do-so-I-don't-have-any-quite/down-time.

And you know what?
Sitting down and asking the big and confusing questions that I have for my life was probably the most satisfying and rewarding thing I've done in a long time, because I got some answers.

There weren't particularly answers I wanted to hear.

God told me to slow the heck down.

I've been speeding down my path, not stopping to look at street signs, not even glancing at the people that I'm passing by. And it only took me a moment to realize that I've been going too fast. I don't need any more tickets in this lifetime.

So I slowed down. I listened. 
And I've been listening to Him more and more since then.

"Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety." Proverbs 11:14

Wise words from the wisest of all.

Today, listen.
Because let's face it: none of us know what we're doing, where we're going, or why we're going there. So we might as well slow the heck down.

Love always,
Suz